#swoo ... shh

[witchsstrike]

god he's so hot,,, they so hot

[onechicago-upsteadrhekker]

Hi friends!!

I wrote a thing. Forewarning, it is a very angsty Christmas themed fic. Like very angsty, so just be prepared.

Loosely inspired by ‘The Sweetest Gift’, The Piano Guys version; Title taken from the same.

Here’s the sequel no one asked for.

sometimes i still breakdown

The house still felt empty; especially during the early mornings when she woke up cold and alone but she was slowly learning to be happy again. 

Or at least she was learning to look like she was happy again even if she didn’t feel it. 

But today was Christmas and instead of feeling love and warmth and happiness she felt cold and empty and pain.

Because there was no laughter. 

There were no sparkling eyes. 

There were no whispers of ‘Merry Christmas’ against her lips. And god, did it hurt.

A physical ache in her chest that would come and go in varying degrees depending on the day and today, that ache hurt. It hurt so much so that she didn’t want to get up. 

She couldn’t bare the thought of moving through the decorated house that should look cheery with the tree and the lights that her friends helped her put up but to her, it wasn’t cheery at all. It was dull and despondent and all it did was remind her of what was missing. 

But then a small cry came and another and she knew she couldn’t do that no matter how much she wished she could so she pushed herself up from the cold mattress, ignoring the empty space beside her and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.

Rubbing her face with a weary hand, she crept over to the bassinet that sat a few feet away and looked down at the wailing infant. Reaching down, she scooped the child up and placed her on her shoulder, patting the baby’s back lightly, “Shh, Hazyl. Momma’s got you.”

Hailey padded the few short steps back to her own bed to sit down, bringing the baby to rest on her lap so she could look into the little girl’s face. Wiping the fat tears from Hazyl’s cheeks, the baby quieted down into soft whimpers as she mirrored her mother’s sad eyes.

“You missin’ your daddy?” Hailey hummed to her daughter as she gently swayed her closed knees. She gently picked up one of Hazyl’s tiny feet to place a kiss on the bottom, “Did you know that it’s Christmas?” She continued to talk softly to the little girl who was now watching her mother with enraptured eyes, no trace of tears.

Hailey sniffed, smiling down at Hazyl as valiantly as she could, drinking in those beautiful green eyes.

Jay’s eyes. 

“Christmas was your daddy’s favorite time of year, you know,” She whispered, leaning down to pepper kisses on the little girl’s cheek, “If he were here right now, he’d probably be bouncing off the walls in excitement for your first Christmas,” A wet chuckle escaped her lips, “And the presents of course.”

Hailey paused, barely suppressing a sob, “But he’s not so we’re just going to have to be excited for him, aren’t we?” She softly stroked Hazyl’s forehead, “There’s gonna be a lot of events like this where we’re just going to have to learn how to do it by ourselves. Just us girls.”

There was a creak of a door from down the hallway followed by the sound of little feet running and Hailey gave the yawning baby in her lap a knowing look, whispering conspiratorially, “Speaking of just us girls. I think your sister’s up.”

The words were barely out of her mouth before Ellie busted through the bedroom door, her favorite stuffed animal and blanket clutched in her hand.

This was a new routine of theirs since Jay died.

Almost every morning, she was joined in the bed by her two girls to be snuggled and loved. It was their time to silently miss a husband and father in the way only they could understand without the pitying looks or words of sympathy.

It was a reinvention of an old routine, really.

Since Jay had always been an early riser, he would sometimes go snuggle with Ellie in her bed before they went to work. But he couldn’t cuddle with Ellie anymore and he had never had the opportunity to cuddle with Hazyl so it was up to Hailey to make new, special routines just for them.

They had been reinventing a lot of routines and they hit harder on days like today.

Ellie ran over to the side of the bed, clambering up onto the mattress with a little boost from Hailey before she snuggled tightly into her mother’s side all without saying a word.

That was another new thing.

Gone was the chattering, animated little girl of only a few months ago. Ellie had become a shell of herself, a lot like her mother had but no matter how much Hailey tried to hide her suffering to put on a smile for her, Ellie’s behavior had little change.

She was despondent now with little excitement for anything. Only giving small smiles when Will came over every Tuesday to spend the afternoon with them and when Adam, Kim and Kevin took her out to dinner and a movie every other weekend.

When Hailey attempted to keep to their normal activities, Ellie would look up at her with sad eyes and tell her it wasn’t the same without daddy.

They both ended up crying most days, Hailey clutching onto Ellie like her life depended on it and it honestly probably did. And when Hazyl was born she joined them, grieving for a father she would never know.

Ellie hardly laughed anymore and her eyes had lost their bright, innocent sparkle.

And that hurt almost more than anything.

She was still grieving, Will had said and Hailey wondered if they would always be grieving. 

Hailey thought the answer would probably be yes.

Ellie’s whole world had been snatched away so suddenly in a way that her young mind hadn’t understood but as Hailey looked into those blue eyes that were so like her own with each day that passed, she knew Ellie was beginning to understand what death was.

Death was waking up everyday, expecting cuddles from her daddy only to find that he wasn’t there to give any.

Death was starting to learn that no matter how hard she wished, her daddy wasn’t coming home.

Death was seeing her mommy cry and death meant being hugged a little tighter.

Death meant everything changed and Ellie didn’t like this change where her mother whispered to baby Hazyl about how wonderful daddy was and told them both how much he loved them.

Ellie wanted to hear it from daddy himself. He was supposed to be here to hum the baby to sleep and tuck her in after he read her her favorite story.

They were supposed to show baby Hazyl how to play cops and bad guys, how to build a pillow fort and how sneak attack Uncle Will, Uncle Adam and Uncle Kevin.

And he was specially supposed to be there today. Because it was Christmas and who was going to help her teach baby Hazyl to lick the bowl of their special Christmas cookies when mommy wasn’t looking? Or help her put together her toys? Or to hold her when she was sleepy after the big, fancy dinner?

But he wasn’t there and Ellie was starting to know better than to hope her daddy had magically come back and was in bed next to mommy.

She felt her mommy’s arm tighten around her, pulling her closer into her warm side. The lips she felt on the top of her head she was learning to savor because when her daddy kissed her six months ago, she hadn’t known it would be the last time he kissed her.

And that made her want to cry.

“It’s Hazyl’s first Christmas,” Ellie heard her mother murmur in a tone that she knew was supposed to sound happy, “Are you going to help her open up her presents?”

She wanted to tell mommy that no, she didn’t because daddy was supposed to help her but decided not to because every time she mentioned daddy’s name, mommy looked like her heart was breaking all over again. Instead, Ellie nodded and tried not to think about how sad the day was going to be without daddy there.

“Let’s go see what’s under the tree, huh baby?” Mommy stood up, cradling her little sister to her chest and holding out her free hand for Ellie to take, “And then we can make our special Christmas cookies.”

Ellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to do any of that without daddy and she didn’t think her mommy wanted to either but Ellie knew that they had to so baby Hazyl had a good Christmas even if daddy wasn’t there to make it perfect.

Hailey watched Ellie as they entered the living room, the presents that she had put under the tree last night piled up waiting to be opened.

She watched as the little girl cast forlorn eyes over the presents, not approaching them but staying right by her side, so different from last year.

Last year she and Jay had been awoken at five in the morning by a bouncing toddler.

Last year she and Jay had been practically dragged to the living room so they could see what was under the tree.

Last year there was laughter and happy squeals and sparkling eyes.

Last year they had Jay.

Now they didn’t and time marched on as if Hailey hadn’t lost the person that was more herself than she was.

She wanted to scream and curse and ask why had the universe taken away the best husband and father anyone could ask for who loved them unconditionally.

There was knock on the door and Ellie looked up at her with questioning eyes as Hazyl babbled in her arms blissfully unaware of the grief that shrouded the room.

Hailey frowned, not expecting anyone this early in the morning on Christmas but went to the door anyway, Ellie staying right behind her, a little fist holding onto the extra fabric of her flowy pajama pants.

Looking through the peephole caused tears to immediately prick her eyes as she opened the door to find Adam, Kevin, Kim, Will and Voight standing on her front porch laden with gifts and food.

Adam was even dressed up as Santa, a white beard attached to his face and a big, red sack thrown over his shoulder.

He let out a jolly “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas,” to which Hazyl giggled and even made Ellie smile the biggest smile Hailey had seen from her since Jay died.

Hailey should have known that they wouldn’t let her spend the day alone but it still took her by surprise at how much they cared. Trying valiantly not to cry, she stood back and opened the door further to let the group in.

Adam swooped Ellie up in his arms, tickling her with another big ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ before passing her down the line to get hugs from everyone as they filed through the door, heading to the kitchen to set down food and presents.

Will was last through the door, giving Ellie a massive hug before setting her down so she could run around to see what everyone else was doing. His eyes met Hailey’s, a look of profound grief and understanding passed between them for several long seconds.

A tiny sob escaped her as Will gathered her into his arms, giving her a firm hug; Hazyl squished protectively into Hailey’s chest.

No words were needed. He knew what she was going through. He had lost a brother and she had lost a husband; Ellie and Hazyl had lost a father and they were all learning how to deal with grief in a way they never thought they would have to experience.

Hailey had heard it all from well-meaning acquaintances and cops she interacted with on crime scenes. They told her how sorry they were, how strong she was, how it will be easier to move on with time.

But Hailey knew ‘sorry’ would never replace the loss she was dealt; not even close. She knew wasn’t strong; she was barely holding it together. And moving on with time? That was a big, fat lie.

She was starting to understand that you never moved on. Not from something like this. You hold that place in your heart, close it off, try to lock the door, visit from time to time but you don’t move on. You never move on.

And Will knew that. He understood, even if his loss wasn’t as profound as hers, he still lost a part of himself he would never be getting back. 

A friend. A brother.

He didn’t give her half-assed platitudes because he knew that all they ever did was remind her of what she’d lost. That words would never be enough unless it would bring Jay back and they both knew that wasn’t possible.

So she was grateful for her brother-in-law. Especially on days like Christmas when Jay’s absence was so sorely felt. 

Thankful that he was willing to take over being the strong one even if it was only for a few hours without having to be asked.

Hailey knew that she could have this day to grieve, to reminisce quietly, to escape in a corner to cry silently and the kids would be adequately distracted by the people who she loved most.

They were giving this to her and she was going to take it. She was tired of being strong and she honestly didn’t care if that made her look weak. 

Today she was going to say goodbye to Christmases with Jay. She was going to pull out every Christmas memory she had with him, savor it and then pack it away until next year, hoping it wouldn’t hurt as bad.

So, that’s what she did. Ellie and Hazyl opened presents while Hailey watched, mourning the fact that she’d had to pick out the presents by herself. Mourning the fact that she didn’t have any presents but not because she wanted anything.

It was because the person who typically got her sentimental things like jewelry with Ellie’s birthstone or practical gifts like an expresso machine wasn’t there to give them.

It was ironic really because all Hailey wanted this Christmas was Jay.

She blinked back tears as Jay’s stocking went untouched and tried to laugh when Adam, Kevin and Will tried to steal the cookie dough of the special Christmas cookies she and Kim were baking.

But all she could think about was how it wasn’t the same without Jay. 

It should be Jay coming in to disrupt her kitchen. It should be Jay carrying Ellie over a shoulder and a strong arm wrapped around Hazyl. It should be Jay right in the middle of whatever shenanigans Will, Adam and Kevin were getting into as Voight rolled his eyes at the male members of his unit.

What was even more heartbreaking was that she could tell Ellie was thinking the same thing in the way her smile was a little dimmer and the way she was reluctant to swipe a bite of dough despite the encouragement of her uncles.

This was a tradition that she’d shared with her father and she wasn’t used to the idea of it changing. Didn’t want to get used to it.

This made Hailey furious at the world and unbelievably sad for Ellie and Hazyl’s future without their dad.

Hailey’s father was less than perfect. Less than a man.

But Hailey’s children had a father who would move heaven and earth for them. A father who was perfect in their eyes and the bravest man they knew.

Now, Hailey still had a less than perfect father but Ellie and Hazyl lost their father who was more than perfect.

It wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense just like their Christmas hadn’t made sense.

Instead of the happy, joyful day it should have been it was really only a husk of that. There were a few hearty laughs, a few beaming smiles and there was a genuine effort to try to have a fun Christmas but none of their hearts were really in it, each thinking of the brother, friend, father, son and husband they had lost.

The house was dark now, the only lights coming from the Christmas tree she was sitting beside. Will and the team had left a few hours ago after putting Ellie and Hazyl to bed for her. She had thanked them and assured them that she would be alright by herself--she would have to be alright by herself.

Now, hours later sitting on the cold floor in the dark, empty house beside a Christmas tree that almost seemed as lonely as she now that Christmas was almost over, Hailey let herself cry.

She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes as she let out gut-wrenching sobs, her heart aching with want. 

What she wouldn’t give to have Jay wrap his arms around her.

Crying even harder, she thought of his smile and rare belly laughs. She thought of the way his eyes sparkled when Ellie threw her arms around him exuberantly.

She thought of his kind hands and generous heart. His determination to put away evil and protect his unit--his family.

She thought of the way he shielded her from danger, the way he’d held her, the way he loved her.  

She thought about past Christmases. His strong hands carrying in their tree year after year. The way he always let her move around the ornaments he’d hung if she didn’t like where he’d put them.

His tall frame placing the star on the tree and then helping Ellie do the honors once she came along. 

And then she remembered the Christmas five years ago that she’d told Jay they were pregnant with Ellie. The joy on his face as he unwrapped a positive pregnancy test, little booties and a onesie.

The way he had kissed her and told her all of the plans he had for their family; talk of babies and a house filled with love, growing old with each other. How he would always protect her, be there for her and their children.

But he had lied and today someone had celebrated Christmas with their alive little girl while she spent Christmas with a dead husband and her little girls’ dead father.*

She’d done a lot of that this year but the hardest parts were the parts when he wasn’t there.

He had died, leaving her with toddler and pregnant with their second baby. She’d had to protect them all by herself. She’d had to be there for them even as she was falling apart.

She’d had to pick out another girl name and she’d had to put the nursery together herself.

But one of the hardest things she’d had to do was give birth without him by her side. Cradling a newborn Hazyl, crying in her hospital bed knowing Jay would never know this little girl that looked so much like him.

Introducing her to Ellie, wishing Jay was there to see how enraptured his Ellie-bug was with her new little sister. Bringing her home alone, needing Will to carry Hazyl’s car seat because Jay wasn’t there to do it for her while she recovered from childbirth.

She thought being a pregnant widow with a toddler was hard. 

Healing from birth, breastfeeding a newborn, chasing a toddler all while still being a grieving widow was harder.

Having Hazyl this year was the best gift she’d received but it was the hardest thing she’d ever done. It was difficult to bring a new life into the world when the mother had just lost her whole world. 

Loving her children without constantly grieving over what they’d lost was nearly impossible.

They should be celebrating this year. Celebrating the two little girls they had made through their love. Celebrating the life they had made together but instead, Hailey was left to pick up the pieces of a life that was so different from last year all by herself.

Taking a trembling breath, Hailey picked up the picture frame that was sitting beside her. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she looked at Jay’s handsome face, running shaky fingertips over his stubbled jaw as if he was really here with her.

“I miss you, Jay. So much,” She whispered out brokenly as she clutched the frame to her chest.

God, did she miss him.

Clinching her eyes shut, a few tears escaped as she rested her head against the wall. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there like that, hugging Jay’s photo to her full breasts but a small cry pulled her out of the grief-filled stupor she’d been sitting in.

It was coming from Hazyl’s baby monitor and the tightness of her chest told her it was probably close to midnight, time for Hazyl’s feeding.

So, it was time to be strong again. Christmas was over and her heart was still shattered but she had two little girls relying on her to get them through this.

To keep Jay’s memory alive even if it tore her apart inside to remember what never would be.

Another cry came from the monitor. 

Hailey kissed the cool glass over Jay’s picture reverently before putting it back under the tree and pushing herself up off the floor.

Her eyes caught Jay’s empty stocking hanging over the fireplace and she swallowed hard, pressing a hand tightly to her stomach.

Hailey took a breath, her eyes glassy with tears as she squared her shoulders and forced herself to get it together as she walked towards the stairs, towards her daughter’s cries.

With one last glance, she saw Christmases with Jay flash before her eyes. The laugher, the presents, the color, everything as they added more and more life to the house they’d bought for their future.

It had been too short but they’d had a partnership, a love that could cross time and space and in her heart, even though Jay wasn’t physically there with them any more, Hailey knew he was still there with her.

He was there in her heart, in the memories she saw all around the house, in the two babies they’d been blessed with before he’d been forced to leave her.

He was her great love story and her heart still belonged to him no matter how many Christmases passed. 

She whispered into the cold, empty living room, “I love you, Jay and I always will. Merry Christmas, my darling husband.”

I hope you enjoyed and please don’t kill me? 

I didn’t think I would write anything sadder than the prequel I wrote to this but I don’t know, I think this one just might have it beat. Tell me what you guys think! I’m not really sure why exactly I felt compelled to write this terribly sad one-shot during what’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year but I did and I blame The Piano Guys.

I thought about publishing on Christmas but thought it was too sad to do that so New Year’s Day it is! Not sure if that’s any better but I do hope you enjoyed it in some form or fashion even if it’s not the happy upstead Christmas you guys probably wanted.

* was a reference to Jay’s cause of death mentioned in the prequel one-shot entitled ‘we’ll never be able to treasure life enough’.

Let me know what you guys thought! Love you all and I hope to have some new stories coming your way soon!

Happy New Year!!